Yesterday was the 7th anniversary of my beautiful mommy’s passing. It’s hard to believe it’s been that long.
When my mom first passed away, my sister and I went through her belongings within a short period of time so that the process wouldn’t linger.
Most of her household items would be staying with her partner, but there were certain special items and her clothing that needed attention.
My mom liked to collect blue and white ceramics, like the vase in the image above. This wasn’t something that she had collected since we were young, but more of a recent hobby from spending her summers in Portugal.
When my mom passed, she had quite a few pieces. So my sister and I took turns picking out which ones we wanted. I think I might have ended up with nine items in total.
Over the years I have slowly given away all but two of my pieces, including the vase in my recent move. There were so many times that I almost broke it . . . sometimes I wondered if I wanted it to break so that I wouldn’t feel like I had to keep it.
I wasn’t a minimalist when my mom passed away. I initially kept some of her belongings because I thought maybe I would use them in the future or because I didn’t feel it was “right” for someone else to have them.
Such is the grieving process.
It took me a long time to realize that by giving away my mom’s things, I wasn’t giving her away.
I love my mom, but I didn’t need to hold onto her stuff to prove it.
when we meet again . . .
I’m pretty sure when I see my mom again, she won’t say, “Sandra! I can’t believe you gave away all my things!”
It would probably be more along the lines of, “Sandra! I can’t believe you never made me a grandmother!”
I joke . . . but then, so did she.
keep what’s special to you
My mom’s collection was her collection, not mine. If she was still living, would I be collecting these items along with her? Probably not.
I’ve kept the items that are special to me: the ring she gave me that I wear everyday, the momma and baby elephant figurine that reminds me of us, the black velvet dress she made by hand for New Year’s Eve after ruining the store bought version in an ironing incident and a quilt I’m making from her old clothes.
But mostly, I just need to look at myself in the mirror and I can see my mom as often as I want!
Have you had to deal with letting go of a loved one’s things?
Thanks for writing this! I’m going through this right now too. I don’t want to get rid of my Mom’s things because I don’t want it to look like I’m throwing her away or forgetting her….but at the same time I don’t want my house to be a shrine to her either because it just makes me sad. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only person going through this and that it’s normal!
It’s not an easy process. What I did was to go through my mom’s things every couple of months. Things that I hadn’t been able to giveaway the month before, I could now giveaway without guilt (maybe still a little).
Now I have a small box of mementos. Everything else that I’ve kept has been incorporated into my living space in accordance with MY design style.
Our parents don’t want us to feel guilty about holding onto or giving away their things. They just want us to be happy.
Nice post! Yes, life is eternal.
Thanks! Agreed!
This is such a heartfelt and honest post. When my grandmother passed away about five years ago, my sisters and I went through the divvying up process with her old jewelry. I initially kept a lot of pieces, even though the only jewelry I wear on a daily basis is my wedding ring. There’s one pair of earrings from her I’ve worn a few times, but the rest of it sits in a box.
As I go through my own cleaning out process, I know eventually I’ll get to my jewelry. I have way too much for someone who never wears it. I know I’ll end up passing some of my grandmother’s pieces on to people who will actually wear them.
I often ask myself: This thing I’m holding onto just because it reminds me of someone I love…could someone else in the world be getting use out of it or enjoying it more than I am? If so, I let myself let it go. I’m learning that people are not in things, and that giving away the things they’ve given me (or I’ve come into of theirs) doesn’t mean I love them less.
Thank you for sharing this personal experience here, Sandra. It’s a beautiful reminder of what really matters: the people, the relationships, the love — not the things.
I too am holding onto some of my mom’s jewelry that I’m not sure what to do with. My fingers are smaller than my mom’s, so there’s only one ring that fits on my index finger (the one I wear everyday she bought specifically for me). She also had some necklaces and earrings, but I’m more of a ring girl.
I have a friend who took all the gold jewelry she received growing up and from her deceased mother and grandmother, had the gold melted and made into a new cocktail ring. Now she wears the ring instead of just keeping all the others pieces stored away in a box. I really like that idea!
That’s a really neat idea. In a way, it kind of symbolizes how people aren’t their things — how you can melt down the objects and make something new that will have the same significance. Not quite the same, but it works in my head
We’re going through the same thing with my mother-in-laws things (she died unexpectedly a little over a year ago). Right now we’re staying at the family cottage, trying to keep it from becoming a shrine, while still honoring her memory. It’s a difficult balance.
I think the best way to honor a loved is by how we live our life, not by keeping their things.
It is a difficult balance. It does get easier to let things go as time goes on.
I agree that the best way to honor a loved one is by how we live our lives. They also live on in our thoughts and the references we make to them in our own lives. Their story keeps going.
Aside: Thank you so much for adding me to your blog roll!
You’re welcome!
I have completely enjoyed reading your blog. Your ideas are really fresh and fun. Oh, and I am totally hooked on Buddha bowls now! I’m going to cook up a lot of beans and rice, so we can easily make them on the boat.
Thanks Bethany! Buddha bowls are amazing…and so versatile depending on what you have on hand.
Beautiful post – it can be really hard to let things go and seperate what belonged to someone we love and what truly reminds them of us.
After my great-grandmother died, I ended up with a lot of things that had been hers. After much deliberation and internal fighting I got rid of everything except two items – a cat statue her sister had made and a creamer in the shape of a cow. Through my toddler years, she would watch me all day while my mother worked. Not having toys around, she would let me play with the cat and would pour my milk from the creamer. The tea pots and doll collections were things she liked, but they weren’t her and weren’t a strong memory of her – the two things I kept feature heavily in my stories of the time we spent together.
Your mother will always live on in your heart, not in her vases. It’s a difficult thing to remember sometimes.
It’s interesting the things that end up being special to us. My grandparents (now just my grandma) have this little global thing that shows what day it is. Every time I’d visit, I’d check to see if she had it on the right date. She’d probably think I’d want some of her other things, but that’s the thing that’s most special to me. And photos. Always photos.
Always a challenge dealing with the death of a loved one. Sometimes it’s good to get a dear friend’s advice. I kept my Mom’s beautiful black wool coat for years after her passing. With an elegant velvet collar and cuffs, I felt special when I wore it. As would happen, the velvet on the sleeves started to wear, but I kept wearing it. One day while out to lunch with a dear friend, I lamented the now threadbare sleeves, the connection to my Mom, the guilt. She looked at me sternly and said. “Your mother, would never in a million years, want you to wear a threadbare item of clothing. That coat is not your mother. Say a prayer thanking your Mom for her good sense, the same good sense she gave you and toss that in the trash!” We laughed, I followed her advice, and all was fine. Here’s hoping you have a friend who could shed a little light on the words that would help you come to grips with your feelings. We are not our things.
Thankfully, I have come to realize that we are not our things. It’s taken a while, but I believe we all get there when it is right for us. I will continue to hold on to certain items of my mom’s that are special to me, since that is honoring my spirit. If they were to be lost, stolen or ruined, then I would be emotionally okay with that too.